MY JUMPSUIT CHRONICLE
“Ayyyy see this lit jumpsuit!”
“Oh yeah it’s lit”
“I’m gonna buy it”
“But my problem with jumpsuit is when you want to pee”
I gave Wura that ‘See you oh’ look. We have been inside
this market all morning and I couldn’t find any dress I liked. Now I found this
jumpsuit and peeing will now be my stumbling block?
“Like this is my first jumpsuit ever?”
“I’m just saying o”
“Please how much is it?” I asked the vendor.
Few minutes later, we were out of the market with my new
jumpsuit.
…………………………………………………………………………
One slow Saturday morning. I was in the room with Wura,
doing nothing really when my phone rang.
“See who is calling me o” I said excitedly as I picked up
the phone.
“Who is that?” Wura asked.
I flashed my phone in in her face, smiling widely.
“Ohhhh your crush… pick it now”
“No now, let it ring small so it won’t be like I was
waiting for his call”
Wura let out a loud laugh
“Shhhh I’m about to pick abeg” I cleared my throat then I
answered the call. “Hello…. I’m good and you?... Nothing much just indoor jare…
Really?... hmmm okay… I’ll get back to you shortly… Bye” I dropped the phone.
“What did he ask you?” Wura asked.
“He wants me to hang with him… At his PLACE!”
“At his place ke? Are you going? Have you ever been
there? What do you think about going to his place?” Wura won’t stop asking
questions.
“Too many questions aunty!” I cut her short. “And to
answer your questions, I am going to his place”
“Ooooooh oshey. I will be here waiting for gist” Wura
said, obviously teasing me.
“What gist? Stay there o and wait well”
“Abi I should come with you?” Wura was still teasing.
“To come and do what? Are you alright?”
“To come and do referee now” She said, laughing.
“You are not serious. Abeg come and help me look for what
to wear jare”
I put a call to my crush and told him I will be at his
place in one hour. Ten minutes later, wardrobe upturned, I had not found what
to wear.
“It’s like my village people are working hard today o.
Where are all my clothes?”
“Where is that your new jumpsuit?” Wura asked.
“It’s true oh!” My eyes lit up. I scampered like an
overgrown puppy towards where I kept it. It was still in the plastic bag. I
brought it out with utmost excitement. “Oyaaaa let’s slayyyyyyy!”
…….…………………………………………………………………
This ‘date’ means so much to me even though it’s in his
place. That’s why I’m going in my latest ‘Christmas cloth’. Let me tell you something
about this guy. His name is Emmanuel. We have been internet buddies for about
three years. We have never met because he used to be far away. Two weeks ago,
he told me he’s moving into my town. We were excited and we hoped to finally
meet after three years of on and off ‘internet loving’. I just wanted to make
the best first impression.
When I got to the place on the address, I called him that
I was outside his place. He came outside. He had the best smile ever.
“Heyyy” He greeted, still smiling.
“Hiiiii” I was blushing like a tomato.
We hugged. He smelt so good. It was like that hug should
not stop.
“It’s so good to see you” He was still smiling.
“Same here” I said, still blushing like an idiot.
“You look good. I love your dress”
“Awwwn thanks” My heart was dancing. Mission
accomplished, I thought to myself.
“Can we go in?” He asked.
“Sure”
He led the way into his apartment. It was a beautiful
place. The interior design was a fusion of different shades of blue. It was
tasteful. I loved it.
“Nice place” I said. “I love the play of colours”
“Thanks. I chose the colours myself”
“Really? Wow”
He showed me to a seat. After settling in, he told me we
were going to see a movie. Cool, I thought. Few moments later, the movie
started, it was the latest Avengers movie. Halfway into the movie, I was
feeling pressed. I needed to pee. I told him I needed to pee and he showed me
the bathroom. In the bathroom, I wanted to unzip my dress when I discovered my
jumpsuit’s zip was stuck. The zip spanned from just below my nape to my
derriere. I tugged at it but it won’t bulge. I decided to leave it. “I will
suppress this pee o” I said to myself then I went out. Pee suppressed. Movie
continued. Everything was good.
Some minutes passed, suppressed pee showed up again, this
time it was intense. The fruit juice I had been drinking contributed immensely
to this ordeal. I couldn’t hold it anymore.
“I think I need to pee again”
“Ok” He paused the movie again.
In the bathroom, I struggled with my jumpsuit’s zip. I
tugged and tugged. I tugged harder. At that point, I didn’t bother If anything
happened to the dress. I just wanted to yank it off my body and let this pee
out. I had struggled with the zip for more than ten minutes and then as I was
pulling, the zip came of the dress! I yanked the zip off my jumpsuit. At that
moment, I was numb. My dress was ruined. How would I step out in the torn
dress? But on the bright side, I was able to pee.
After peeing, I started to panic fully. How would I go
out like this? Darn this jumpsuit! “So much for making the best first
impression!” I swore under my breath as I tried to figure out what to do to my
damaged dress and then I heard a knock on the bathroom door.
“Are you okay in there?” Emmanuel asked from the other
side of the door. Then it occurred to me that I had spent more than twenty
minutes in the bathroom.
“Err… I’m good.. I’m okay” I lied. I was panicking.
“Are you sure? You’ve been there for thirty minutes”
“I’m fine” Darn! I lied again. But I couldn’t let him see
me like that.
“Okay. Are we gonna continue the movie or not?”
Oh! The movie! “You can go on; I’ll join you soon”
“Please tell me what’s wrong in there” He sounded like he
wasn’t having any of my lies. “Is the toilet broken? The tap isn’t running or
what?”
Okay here goes nothing! “It’s my dress” I sighed.
“Your dress? What’s wrong with it?”
“It’s damaged” I opened the bathroom door gently and
presented my damaged dress and I.
…………………………………………………………………………
“Please stop laughing. It wasn’t funny o”
“Oh my God! I can’t stop laughing” Wura said, amidst fits
of laughter. “Is this where I get to say ‘I told you so’?”
“Yes oh. Please say it. I wish I listened to you.”
“So what happened when you came of the bathroom?” Wura
asked.
“Nothing” I said with a straight face.
“Hmmmm It’s a lie!”
“Nostradamus! So what happened o because it’s now like
you were there?”
“So the shirt you wore over your torn dress just appeared
on you abi?” Wura asked with a cheeky smile.
“Yes ooo It just appeared on me. Amebo somebody”
“Gist me now please” Wura begged.
“Nothing happened auntie!”
“Issokay o”
